That’s a quote from at Instagram account called words.by.eliu, that posts quotes from authors, and some of them are okay to me–there are a lot about love–but this one really spoke to me today. I think that it’s because I really need to feel like I have a chance.
That’s awful depressing sounding, isn’t it? That probably reflects my horrible day. We all have them, but allow me to expound upon the series of unfortunate events of my morning (not to say these are horrible things necessarily, but that doesn’t meant they’re fun, either):
I barely slept last night, and then I get to my car and spill coffee on my clean white shirt, and then I have to go to class anyway because it’s a senior BCMB class and, let’s just say that I need to do well. Then I drive around for 50 minutes looking for parking when it doesn’t usually take me more than five or ten minutes, only to park in a staff spot that I pray won’t get me a ticket. So I’m late to my worst class and we have a quiz and I make it for that, but it’s online for some dumb reason, so of course my technology doesn’t work, and I have to schedule a time to come back to campus in the afternoon to take it. I get back to my car, and ho–a ticket! For the 40 minutes I was away from my car… And that’s just my morning.
We all have mornings like that, I know, but it always feels like it sucks the most when it happens to you.
I think it effected me so much because I’m just tired: of this semester, of being in the wrong major, of school, and even, yes, of writing. I’m so tired that I am losing the energy to read or write. I’m simply over being a senior. Can’t they give me my degree already? Especially when I’m not sure if I’ll even use that degree.
And I know that I have a chance of making it–of passing my classes and graduating.
I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there is an awful lot of fog between me and it.
I just want to write. Is that too much to ask?
Yes. Yes it is.
Not only do I have to find the time and energy to write, but the writing world itself is a den of wolves. That’s not to say that writer’s are terrible people, because obviously I would like to think I’m not, but it’s terribly difficult to meet their standards, but even that’s not good enough. There are so many wannabe writers that you much exceed expectations.
While there is competition in all career fields, some feel it more than others. It’s well known that making it as a writer is hard. It just is. There’s a reason the phrase “the struggling artist” exists. We’re all hoping “that perhaps, there’s a slight chance that I might have a chance.”
All this to say, there’s no way I’m giving up. Like the quote says, “There’s a fire in my chest that anchors me to the ground, that constantly tells me that I can do this.” So even if at times like these, when my anchor is but a thread and the fire, a single, lonely flame, there is still a chance.
The Instagram account: https://instagram.com/words.by.eliu/