I doubt. I think it’s partially just because I’m bumbed at the moment, but it’s also partially because I think I might be right to doubt.
I mean, so I’ve written a book, right? Now, I’m in the process of editing that book, and I’m aware that it is the most grueling part of the process. I’m also aware that doubt is natural, but what if the doubt is there for a reason? What if it’s your gut telling you something? Now, in my case, I don’t think it’s telling me to stop writing. I still love writing. No, it’s not that. However, I am worried that my first book sucks.
I feel like a fish staring down a hook, weighing the pros and cons of going after the food. The food appears to be tasty, but what results are in store? Eventually, the fish takes the bait–it has faith that the reward is worth the risk–and then it finds out that it wasn’t. Will I do the same? Will I have that faith? Granted, the hook that tempts me does not promise the same unavoidable doom that awaits the fish, but the fish doesn’t know his fate, and neither do I.
I’m sure everyone worries that their art sucks, and that I need to push on through, but the problem is, I think it sort of might suck, and that I might have to change some stuff, but at the same time, I don’t want to go through all the effort of changing it, and then it have been fine the way it was.
I also don’t want to spend so much time editing it, and then it be all in vain, because it’ll be so bad that no one, not even me or my family or my best friends, will want to read it.
However much I’m doubting, I’m not going to stop, because I know that quitting will get me nowhere. Plus, what if it is good? It feels like there’s a small chance of that, but it’s not impossible. So, I will keep editing, and if it sucks, then it sucks, but I will have completed my first book, and I can learn from it and move on. I already have learned so much from it, which is partly why I look back and question it.
Writing is a never ending process of improvement upon poor or mediocre work, and I do like that about it, but it can make it painful to look back on previous work.
(This isn’t what I wanted the blog to be about, but I think it’s an important part of my writing journey, and as I do process by writing, it helped me immensely.)